Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize