Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
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