i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
