I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
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He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
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Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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