I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
