Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
