I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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