About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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