I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
