Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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