Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
