Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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