I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
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