When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
