saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
