you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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