yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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