So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
