The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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