I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
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