While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml