Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
