his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
