i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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