apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
