Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
