god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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