my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
