I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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