Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
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I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?