it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me