I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize