I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
