Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
