So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
