I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
We are two peas in an std pod
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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