I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
