Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
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