Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
