The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
