so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
