True but thats because hes a fetus.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
