So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
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Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
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my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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