I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
