we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Randomize
