A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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