He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
