Midget sex pt 2 tonight
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Houston, we have a squirter
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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