I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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