I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
