I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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