Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
