We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
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