I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I think my moral compass just broke
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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