i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
