On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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