he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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