I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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