this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
