if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
