no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
