She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
