It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
